Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.