Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

just make the entire table out of coaster

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

this was the best i’ve ever seen

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?