Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.