The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist
Her: So what do you do for fun?
Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.