@TVsCarlKinsella

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

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@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

@jazmasta

By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.

@TequilaTears

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@SteveSuckington

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

@SatansTongue

(First date)

Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist

Her: So what do you do for fun?

Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????

@AaronFullerton

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@Darlainky

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

@KickSumHunibuns

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

@RickAaron

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.