POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what