Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.