Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
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Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Holy shit he’s back
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.