Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

When can I start eating bats again.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

oh you wanna fight?!

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

I’m literally crying

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol