Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Breaking news:
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*