Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs