Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

no regrets

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Terribly Tuesday.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Extremely relatable.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.