“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
okay run it by me one more time
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
she has a point
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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