“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice