“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’d hang this in my house.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday