Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Lmao
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
