Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.