Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Pot warmers of the day.
