Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
This one’s “Alex”.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Can confirm.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.