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[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
sigh
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.