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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I know
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.