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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Jesus Christ lmao
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me