poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*watches the world burn*
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.