poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?