poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”