Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
