Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off