Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?