Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”