Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
What’s so funny?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever