Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time