Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?