Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me: