Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
You Might Also Like
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
So that’s what we looked like?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’