Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
You Might Also Like
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Order here:
More here:
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
this was very charming
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]