Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.