Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

Hello Twits.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.