Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

every college guy’s fridge

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?