Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: We have Less

Merry Christmas

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

respect

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching