Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge