Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman