Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

🥶🥶🐶🐶

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION