‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
tinder is all about the long game
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.