‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You Might Also Like
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
very niche meme I made
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Thursday Thought.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I triple waxed for this?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”