My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
You Might Also Like
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*