Pop Rocks is like sugar isn’t enough, we should also detonate.

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[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*


‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.


My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!


bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone


detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly


Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer