Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

So glad we cleared that up

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]