Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

😆this is so true

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.