Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”