popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
How do you like your Corgi?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
#Caturday
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.