*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
me: i’d like to make a complaint
optometrist: what is it?
me: the surgery i just had
me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t
doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes
doctor: the good news is it’s not serious
doctor: the bad news is you’ve just given it to me
me: i did, did i?
doctor: dammit i’m mad
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.