@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

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@stephenjmolloy

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

@riot4rach

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

@ThingsGoinOn

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@PoshTick

me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t

@robots_feel

doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes

me: wow

doctor: the good news is it’s not serious

me: yay

doctor: the bad news is you’ve just given it to me

me: i did, did i?

doctor: dammit i’m mad

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.