Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”