Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

me and the Superbowl rn

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

…u ok Nintendo?

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch