Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

When someone trying to leave me

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate