Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.