Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
this makes me so uncomfortable
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.