Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
You Might Also Like
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds āget tallerā to New Yearās resolutions*
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone š
Him: We all are…
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to āMove it old lady!ā?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
lmaošš¤£
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didnāt want to be judged, so Iām tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. Itās like the other vegetables arenāt even trying.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.