Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
A recipe for laughter
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower