Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .