Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet