Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target