Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.