Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

I want what they have

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!