Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.