Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]