Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point