Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Body by Oreos

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.