Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds