<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
you’re damn right i have
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?