<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
#Caturday
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip