Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

This line from Airplane.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy