My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.