Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.