*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.