popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
You Might Also Like
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence