Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-