Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON