Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

why would tinder want me to say this

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Wedding planning is organized crime.