Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.