Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Dishonest mechanic?

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)