Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

why do i always pick the shopping cart built by a drunken intern

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.