Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.