Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

How your email finds me

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”