Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family